There was that moment I knew I’d do it. When I knew the decision had been made to send him to school. I had vowed since my own girlhood to keep any children I birthed with me, at home, always.
But how much weight does a childhood self-promise hold when it’s simply the result of personal experience and home-culture and not that of, you know, being a parent?
It was that panic attack the day I looked through curriculum and couldn’t stop shaking and cried myself sick for hours.
Life looks different now that the castle crumbled and I realized that there is a beauty in the rubble and its name is freedom.
Freedom to choose and to follow and to lead and to do the things we know to do. For us.
So we signed the enrollment papers and prayed our hearts out and knew that this was good. For us.
It seems a silly conundrum to some – it’s just school after all and the point is an education, isn’t it? But it’s a final straw floating to the ground after the scarecrow of my ideals scattered to the wind.
Almost three years and you would think I’d be over that by now.
But I’m not.
So I took him to school. That oldest boy of mine.
And every day he jumps out of the car and my heart bleeds a bit and it isn’t only because I miss him.
***
My beautiful friend Heather is encouraging us to write freely and without over-thought. So I’m joining her and all the others who feel words in their souls.
A good friend of mine made the choice to send her children to public school after having home schooled for a bit. She said that it broke her heart but she realized that she needed to do what was best for them, not what was best for HER. That is actually a pretty unselfish thing, to let go of an ideal when you realize it just doesn’t work for you.
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I can not home school for I don’t have the patience for it, but those who do and are capable make excellent teachers at home. However choosing to do what is right is hard to do as well. I’m not 100% sure that public schooling is what will be best for my oldest (my youngest I see flourishing in it) but my youngest has such outside of the box thought processes. I’m waiting a year, but I will do what is right for my kiddo, and I’m sure that even though you feel anxious you are doing the right thing for yours as well.
Stay strong, mama! Excellent writing in this powerful piece on education and your mothering heart.
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I, too, wrestled with which direction to go when educating my children. I had not had an “I will always do…” conviction so the year before my daughter went to kinder was a great time of prayer and discernment for our family. We, too, ended up in school — and in public school. She is now a sophomore in high school, and has an 8th grade brother. They have both only been to public schools.
I have seen AMAZING things done in homeschooling situations — true. However, I have seen my kids make some amazing tough choices because of their public school. I have been given dozens of reasons to be proud of them and the path they choose. It’s a time for stretching everyone.
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Our kids both went through the public school system. (They are 21 & 24 now.) There were a lot of things we didn’t like, but it was good for them. It was good for them to learn how to live as Christians in the world, but not be a part of the world. We talked a lot about what the Bible says as opposed to what all the kids at school were saying. I remember very well the first time I explained to them (I think they were in 1st grade) that not every one believed in Jesus and not everyone went to church. They both had a look of shock on their sweet little faces, but it began an understanding. It was at times hard for them to be “different”, but they made it through. They both follow Jesus now and we are so proud of them. But honestly? I am constantly knocked over with how great they turned out. A blessing from God, for sure, because their parents are far from perfect. We screwed up plenty. I fall on my face in gratitude before God.
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I never really considered home schooling my kids. I went to public school. A majority of my friends home school or send their kids to the Catholic school. They do not judge me for one minute for our choice, but I sometimes feel like I have to defend it anyway, which is just silly.
Loved this.
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I always thought I would homeschool my kids. Now, I have a 7 month old and I have no.idea. what will happen.
*hugs* to you.
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It’s amazing how many things we end up doing, that we said we’ld NEVER do. As life goes, our ideas change. You’re doing a great job. I’m proud of you.
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As a homeschool grad, I know all about those things I said I’d never do. But I’m thankful for grace and maturity and learning to follow Him and not everyone else.
Also? So glad you’re joining in with “just write”. “Five-Minute Friday” has been a huge help for me in that way–I’ve learned to “just write” and I’ve learned that the more I write, the more I write!
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Ashleigh, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your words. Thank you for being real. And honest. I grew up in a model Christian family, the kind that lives on a pedestal. I know how hard it can be to reconcile reality with expectations and idealisms. That’s why I so appreciate your blog, because it’s REAL. *hugs* Thank you.
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This is just right.
It’s hard to give up the shoulds, especially when they’re things we’ve set up for ourselves. I feel like I’m doing this every day all the time, asking myself Who says I should?, going back to square one, or zero. But I’m finding that freedom in rubble too, and joy, in spite of the ache of giving up on something I’ve cherished.
<3 <3 <3
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I hope you don’t feel that you have to defend your decision. I’m tasting more freedom in the air about educational choices, and it’s a wonderful thing.
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I admire you! “Breaking away” from the past is sometimes hard to do and sometimes it’s best to not always “go with the flow.”
I like to keep in mind that every child is different and every family is different. Homeschooling isn’t for everyone and neither is public schooling :)
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The ideas we hold onto the most dearly are the ones that hurt the most to let go of. And it feels like one decision leads onto a hundred more you never knew you had to make.
I think you said it best when you said knew what was good for you. Because ultimately each decision is between you and God.
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” … prayed our hearts out and knew that this was good. For us.”
Another post I had to read on the day of my birth. There is such beauty and truth in these words. Thank you.
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This has also been a struggle for me. I always wanted to homeschool. I wanted to be that Mom. You know the one who is crafty, a great housekeeper, patient as Job, homeschools her children and they are brilliant.
Turns out, I am NOT that Mom. I am the one who tries her hardest and listens when the Lord whispers to her heart that her children need to go to school. That what they need is more than what she wants. That they need to be there, to learn and to grow apart from her. I am THAT Mom and a lot of days, it is hard. But, I trust Him and pray that I am doing the right thing everyday when I send them out the door.
xoxo
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I wanted to be able to do it, too. I just know that at least right now, I can’t. And I fight the guilt and try to choose acceptance because it really is going to be okay and this decision is not set in stone. So far…so good…
Thank you for joining me with Just Write. I always love your words.
xo
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We’re two sides of the coin, aren’t we? We are each living the other’s “expected” story on this one. I’m homeschooling after SWEARING that it would NEVER happen and here you are, on the other side. Love it.
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I relate to this. I was homeschooled and thought I’d do the same. Life threw us too many curve balls and this didn’t happen. It was the right decision but still hard.
Janelle
GraceTags
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Smile. I’m a public school educator, and believer. Yes, we do exist. You have to do what’s right for your family. And it is okay. Know your child’s teachers, and be involved in the community and the school. It makes a world of different. Somehow, when ideals and expectations die, it can be most painful because we didn’t expect to end up at a certain place even if it is right. :) He will give you grace!
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What’s often hardest about these kind of situations is when we need to do something that seems to contrary to who we thought we were and they are “right” for us. What does that mean for our definitions of ourselves?
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Thank you for your honest and heart-felt words. I too was homeschooled all through my growing up years… and know the burden of legalism that can go with the movement. Our faith must be so much more than how we educate out children. It’s sad when it’s not… I’m now a public school educator – there is much good there too. Thank you for being BRAVE … and for sharing that bravery with us.
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Hey Ashleigh! I was just going through my cards from Relevant and decided to stop by your blog :) You are such a beautiful writer! I found this post really encouraging, too. I don’t have children yet, and I am so happy to see that you are willing to change your ‘childhood ideal’ to raise your child the way he should go. It is a beautifully testimony of humility and grace and being willing to change the ‘plan’ you had for your family.
Also, I wrote on your card “complimented my maiden braids hair style”, so I thought I you might like the tutorial on how to do it! Here’s the link I used to learn how to do it:
http://www.keikolynn.com/2011/07/hair-tutorial-braided-do.html
I hope you are doing well!
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