This is my boy.
My oldest one.
(I have two.)
Tonight, while pulling covers over jammies,
tucking stuffed animals in their proper sleeping spots,
and kissing sleepy brows,
we started talking about when he was tiny.
We snuggled close, noses touching,
as I told him of the day I discovered he was there,
tucked under my heart.
We pulled close the soft golden doggie his grandparents gave him that day,
months before he arrived.
He giggled
and asked me to show him how big my tummy became.
I told him of the first moment I saw him,
gazing into his bright blue eyes,
stroking his blonde hair,
stealing glances at his adoring daddy beside us,
blinking back tears.
“You were just a kid before I was your baby, Mama,” he whispered.
“And then you saw me and became a mommy!”
My lips formed a slow smile before moving to kiss his cheek.
I know something he doesn’t yet understand;
that I had been a mommy twice before,
to two little ones moving from my womb
to Jesus’ arms before they were–and before he was–born.
In many respects, he is right.
Until I held that bundle,
four and a half years ago,
I had no idea what it would mean
to give everything I had for an eight pound armful of sweetness.
I didn’t know how to bathe that bundle,
nor how to feed a hungry little one.
I hadn’t been up in the wee hours rocking,
nor bleary eyed in the mornings.
To many onlookers, I hadn’t yet become a mother.
But I was.
Because I had loved a baby.
And called her my own.
My heart is wrapped up in the two little boys
who fill this house with shrieks and laughter.
I ache with the love that overflows for them.
But I thank Jesus every day for all of my babies.
The two who call me mama today.
And the two who made me a mommy.
Sometimes I realize I don’t know much about my online buddies’ families unless I meet them in person.
Tell me… who lives in your house?
And also… who lives in your heart?
Me?
The walls of my home hold me and two little boys: four year old Troy and two year old Merritt.
Half my heart is currently spending a year deployed to Afghanistan.
And we have two precious ones playing with Jesus these days, always living in our hearts.
And if you’d like to share your story and would prefer to send me an email, I’d be honored to hear it.
That young man is lucky to have such a nice mommie, so many children grow up without love in their life.
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Ashleigh Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:30 am
You’re too sweet, dear Sarge Charlie.
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Raymond will be 5 on August 15th. He is my curlytop snuggler, serious and precise. He says he wants to be a daddy so that he can cuddle his kids.
Recently we were talking about the Moving Wall, the model of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial that made a stop in our town. I took the boys to see it.
Ray said,
“When I grow up to be a dad, I will be a worker and drive an excavator. And I will be a soldier. But I won’t get dead, because I will have a sword, and [little brother] Sam will be my soldier partner.”
Samuel is 3. He is dimpled and impish, with an uncanny ability to feign innocence. He has his father’s unflappability and his mother’s love of conversation.
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Ashleigh Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:32 am
They melt my heart! They’re about the same ages as mine. :)
And the impishness and ability to feign innocence… that’s my two year old, all the way.
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Carrie Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 5:43 pm
They are about the same ages! I love reading about yours (most of the time, except when they are crying for their daddy – then I start crying like crazy. Little boys need their daddies.)
I think that little brothers learn those skills young. My own younger brother was/is also a charmer. Used to make me so JEALOUS, he was so good at that!
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Well, there’s me. And there’s Adam.
And, as a result, there is Troy, 10; Drew and Bethany, 7; Amy, 4; Eli, almost 3 and Cora, 18 weeks on Wednesday.
We have been… blessed?… fortunate? that we’ve not lost a baby for sure (they think that my threatened miscarriage with Troy may have lost a twin, but results were inconclusive… which is a weird feeling, to say the least), but I ache for all who have.
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Ashleigh Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:30 am
For the billionth time, I lurve that you have a Troy, too. :)
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I’m a mother with empty {oh so empty} arms.
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Jen Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:05 am
Seriously, my heart truly aches for you. I know that must sound so incredibly trite coming from someone with more children than you’ve probably dared hope for. But whenever I read those words, I feel a very real pain. I will use it, and intercede for you… and help you by carrying a little of your burden.
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Ashleigh Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:29 am
I am crying, real tears blubbering all over my keyboard, for you, your
heart, your arms, your husband, the things people say and imply that cause
more ache. Know, please KNOW, that I hold you so very close… and wish to
make it all better.
<3
Ash
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I’m only 7 days away from meeting my first child. My husband and I are over the moon excited, but can’t help but think without the miscarriage we experienced over a year ago, we wouldn’t be experiencing all of the excitement that is sure to come with the beauty and joy that is our daughter.
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Ashleigh Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:33 am
Isn’t that an odd feeling? If we hadn’t lost our second baby, we wouldn’t have the four year old pictured in this post. It’s so very, very bittersweet.
Congratulations on your girlie!
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Well…there’s me and the hubby.
Addison, who we never got to meet. Joey, who’s 1.5 and wild and completely over-the-top all boy.
And one on the way…we won’t find out if it’s a boy or girl for a few weeks.
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Brianna and Anjolie are just getting old enough to ask about the little one I lost at 12wks along…I wince each time they ask…which somehow surprises me…
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Jessica Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:57 pm
I know the feeling. I was a preschool teacher when I miscarried and a week after it happened a student crawled into my lap and asked if there was a baby in my belly. It was as if God was trying to tell me it’s okay to be human, emotional, to grieve. (At that point I had yet to accept the grief. I was still trying to be “strong.”)
But still with question of “Oh, is this your first pregnancy?” or “You’re going to have two kids soon” I wince, because for me it was my 2nd pregnancy and the one I’m carrying now isn’t baby #2 but baby #3. Something I rarely have the courage to mention.
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Chantel Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 12:21 pm
:::HUGS::: for both of you.
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Heather Reply:
August 4th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
so sorry for your loss :’(
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Well there is me and Jon and a little baby girl under my ribs ..i never thought i would have her but am so blessed that God answered our prayers and we have 2 doggies..love you ash….
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Cameron…I’m praying for you now, too.
Ashleigh…this is so poignant and beautiful. What a friend you are to those who have walked that painful path. You shine like the Son!
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I have two that I hold in my arms, sweet Maddie and James, both of them total miracles after tears of infertility, and two that Jesus holds for us. I was a mommy years before the world recognized me as one, you never stop crying for the babies you have lost. The pain of infertility also fades but changes you forever.
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Lots of tears … for you and for the wanted babies and lost babies and loved babies.
As far as I know, I do not have any babies in heaven, but I still mourn for the uncle and brother-in-law I’ve never met.
My heart is little Libbie, 21 months, and a boy baby on the way in December.
Jessie
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Our home currently consists of my husband, PJ, and myself, Christian 10, Cadence 7, Connor 6, Caroline 2, and two 3 month old puppies. It will surely burst open when we add my 19yo niece and her two kittens!
In my heart is an angel from before I had anyone else and twins we lost between our last two babies.
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Samantha R Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:00 am
So sorry to hear of your loss of twins. =/ I am a twin myself.
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Our home: Parents, Me and twin sis ;), 4 brothers and one little sister who isn’t so little anymore (13!) and that means that Jac and I are 25 now. Wowzers.
Our family was once different though. My bio father died in the car accident we were in near Christmas of 1987. My mom later miscarried her would have been 4th baby here on earth.
I don’t remember much but I know our family went through a lot of sadness during that time.
And every time I hear of a friend miscarrying my heart aches for them. I’ve had so many friends lose a precious baby or more than one…
Which reminds me that I want to share a website with you; a friend’s blog.
They are such a beautiful Christian family who have lost so many precious babies already.
http://joyfuldomesticity.com/
We’ve known Melissa for at least 8 years now and she used to do a magazine called Little Women’s Society.
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Ashleigh, this is a beautiful post! Troy is adorable. :)
Cameron, I join these others in praying.
I’m in college and so haven’t started a home of my own yet. My physical home holds my younger sister and my parents. My heart-home also holds those far away – my 2 older sisters and brother, their spouses, my niece (age 4), and my nephews (ages 2, 1 week, and still on the way). And 3 soul-sisters.
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There is me, my husband Brandon, my youngest son who is 19 and his friend,also 19. My youngest daughter who is 13. My heart aches for my two oldest, who moved from the West coast to the East to join a ministry. While I am so happy they are following God into their destiny, I miss them every single day.
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I love your heart for others, Ashleigh. I have never lost a little one… yet. But I have my fears…
And I have my dear husband and my sweet almost 6-month-old baby.
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My hubby and I have a beautiful baby boy, Ethan, in Heaven that was stillborn at 29 weeks. We were blessed to see his perfect little body, and are so very grateful for that moment.
Though we haven’t told most of our friends, we have been blessed with another pregnancy. Hopefully we will hold this child in our arms, breathing, in January.
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Oh, this post tugs at my heart as well. My Troy is my hubby. He is the light of my life. We have two beautiful babies — that are both taller than me, with occasional smart mouths and chronic stinky feet.
Ashley is 14, takes no business off of NO ONE, an awesome basketball player AND clarinetist (sp?) and started band camp this morning to start high school in 3 weeks. Color me freaked!
Riley is 12, JUST now surpassed me in height, has a precious sense of humor, too clever for words, and is headed into 7th grade.
I have never lost a baby. I have stood next to moms who have and wondered why I, of all, should be so blessed to have my 2 healthy and not know the pain of that loss.
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Praying for you today, Cameron!
It’s just me and my husband with empty arms…we’re still praying and hoping.
Your little Troy is so sweet, Ashleigh…thanks for the post. :)
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Wow, you have a gift of writing. I am left with no words after reading this post. I just happened to drop by your blog, as a dear friend referred me to your post today. I recently lost my little boy that we tried for 26 months to create. I lost him to a severe heart condition that wasn’t detected until 28 weeks gestation, and we lost him at 29 weeks and 1 day gestation. I do hope that the gift that you have and that you cherish today, is something that I will have to look forward to in my near future. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family for your losses. May God bless you. Feel free to follow my son’s story at wyattswhisper.blogspot.com
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Aww Troy is too cute! I just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog, I’ve been enjoying it since 2008. My family is me, my husband Erik, and my little boy Jack who turned 3 last Sunday, Anna who will be 2 at the end of the month, and Lily who is almost 6 months.
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I have no little ones in my arms, and none of my own in my heart, but it’s the little ones of the people I love, who they never got to hold that fill my eyes with tears and make my heart ache. And to whom I dedicated the poem I wrote a few years back, and for whom I pray and think of so very often.
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Oh Ash. This post makes me cry just thinking about it. I didn’t have to read it to know the contents, or to know the story of your heart’s babies. But those babies of yours are ones that are on my heart many days, as I pray others through scary pregnancies, as I look at my own two girls here in my home, and wonder about future pregnancies…
Not to mention the fact that each night my husband is out baling hay, I’m even more aware of the sacrifices you make for our country by letting half your heart go fight for us half a world away.
I’m looking forward to meeting those babies when we walk on streets of gold. Perhaps they are girlies who will have fun playing with mine.
Let’s ask for next-door mansions, just in case, k?
HUGS
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This is beautiful Ashley- we lost our first baby too. I was shocked that I could miss a person that I’d never met and had thought about for only 12 weeks…. God knows best, we couldn’t have our Addy if that baby had been born!
Love, holly
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Yes, it is so true…that when I look at my youngest son and delight in his unique personality and joy for life…I think that he wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t had 4 miscarriages between his older brothers and him. He also wouldn’t be here if not for my wonderful doctor who never let me lose faith. I can still remember that wonderful ultrasound with a heartbeat, after the four without one.
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You have such a way with words; this was just beautifully written. In my house, it’s just me and my spunky 8.5 year old, Caroline. My husband, like yours, is serving in Afghanistan right now. He’s due home soon, but will more than likely return sometime next year for way too long. Caroline is an only by choice (my choice) and it’s a decision I wrestle with often. But, what is done is done and at least the one kid I have is a great one. Caroline is the spitting image of her dad; tall and lanky, spirited and fun. She’s my polar opposite, but she’s my baby.
I don’t know the hurt you’ve experienced; I couldn’t even imagine it. My words mean nothing, but I just wanted to say that your boys are very lucky to have such a warm, loving mom.
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Dear Ash,
What a beautifully written post. I am so sorry for your “heart babies”.
Right now for us it is like this…
The love of my life – my husband Dan – is about 7000 miles away fighting for our country’s freedoms
Our son, Tyler is here with me, though half his heart too, is in the Desert. It’s so hard to have little ones going through this and feeling powerless to help them sometimes.
And, we have a little baby in heaven also. We are coming up no what would have been this baby’s birthday very soon and I find myself grieving hard…again.
It has been a struggle with secondary infertility, and we are praying that once we are together as a family again, that we will be blessed with another child.
“Lord, I believe…help Thou my unbelief”
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A beautiful blonde girl, Hazel Maryn – lights my house up with her little-mama-ness and amazing memory.
A beautiful brown-haired girl, Meriel Katharine, fills the house with deep baby chuckles and her adventurous heart.
MY handsome hubby Mark provides our home and is its primary source of strength and integrity, through Christ.
And a sweet tiny babe, who we knew and loved and anticipated for all too short a time, is playing with your little ones and Jesus today.
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Katie Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 7:21 am
And (I cannot BELIEVE I forgot this one) – the sweet new little blessing Jesus is growing inside me – to make his/her appearance in February.
Ash – this was lovely. So many people never talk about the pain of their loss, and never know how many others share it. Nothing aches quite like the bebe you never met – even if your current family couldn’t look the same.
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As a young girl, I had 5 in my heart before holding 2 in my arms (Noah is 4 and Chloe is 2) and we are expecting a 3rd in December, Lord willing. I never expected to be giving birth at age 39, but blessed I am to be.
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Hey Ash,
This is such a lovely post.
I have 4 little boys – well, not so little as I like to think of them: 13, 8 (9 in 2 weeks), 7 and 5. I love being their mama and sharing this life with their Daddy.
I’ve been having a case of the blues the past 2 days. I’m not sure why – it happens once a year or so. It’s a long story but I’ve been grieving again the daughter that isn’t mine. Abigail Grace – I love her and I don’t sometimes know how I can miss someone so much that I’ve never even met.
These sad days thinking about her are fleeting but heavy when they visit.
Thanks for letting me tell her about you today – she’s so loved. <3
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I have 5 children, Hannah 23, Courtney 20, Josiah 17, Samuel 16 and Lydia 13. I have a grandbaby in heaven also being held by Jesus. I live with the man who captured my heart. We’ve been married 27 years.
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Yes. I’ll never be a “mother” in the traditional sense, but there was one long ago that put two lines on the stick and though she did not last but mere days in my womb, she made me momma all the same. No one remembers her, but I do. I know, and always will, that she made me momma. Currently I am a joyful Aunt, a doggie momma, and I count down the days till the deployed one comes home again. I am glad you write about it, and give us other silent momma’s the assurance that we are not alone.
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God has blessed us with eight children for which we know are gifts from God.We too have lost babies.Between our seven and eight we lost two so people often ask about our longer than normal (for us)spacing.Our last miscarriage was hard but God has since blessed us with our Faith and we are so thankful for this little girly.I had always taken pregnancy for granted until I lost two babies in a row and I now know the pain that others are living,the pain is something that only one who has lived through it can feel.I felt as though part of me was buried too.My hubby bought me a plant that will always remind me of the faces we never saw.Nikki
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Right now, my home just contains me and my husband of three years.
But we lost our baby at 10 weeks a year ago.
We are coming up on the one-year anniversary date.
August 6th is when I found I out I was going to miscarry. August 8th is when I completed the miscarriage.
Struggling this week as the memories are vivid and the ache is strong.
Thanks for the wonderful post, Ashleigh
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Aww, Ashleigh. You put it so beautifully. I love feeling the movements of my baby inside of me. I feel the motherly instinct that adores and loves this little sweetheart… Dreaming always of him. What does he look like? Will he be cuddly? I can’t wait to touch his soft blonde curls (or so I assume that’s what he will have… ;)) and kiss his cute little button nose…
Then I think of his older sibling dancing in fields of splendor. I still dearly miss the child I never got to hold… Never heard his heart beating, never knew his daily patterns, never felt his gentle nudges. But I had the same dreams and questions about him. I loved him dearly, and am so grateful for getting to know him for the 8 weeks that I did.
And then I can never forget the other two little ones I never knew were nestled under my heart until after they went to be with Jesus. I don’t know what’s worse… To have known and loved a child while you had them, or to realize that you never had the opportunity to know and love the child… I remember shedding tears for each of them, wishing I could tell them, “Oh but mommy wanted to love you!!!”
A beautiful mental image always comes to my mind when I recall my little babies in heaven… Sparkly, pure, innocent… And their little voices saying, “Don’t cry Mommy…” They’re happy, they’re loved, and they’re in a place I will see them again. <3
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Thank you for this post! I am 4 weeks from my due date for my first baby. But even though I have yet to hold a baby of my own, I am already a mother. :) It was very hard especially as a week after miscarrying I found out that my sister in law was pregnant and due two weeks after my intended due late. Even though this post brought tears to my eyes, thank you! I am a mommy already even though people don’t know.
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I used to think that my husband, our three (earthly) children and I were left with an empty space here in our lives when the children we’ve lost left for Home… but over time I’ve come to see it differently. They’re not missing from here, we’re missing from there. There is an empty space in Heaven, beside them, waiting for us.
I long for Home.
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Beautiful, beautiful. You are so right. I have my two and then I have my three in heaven. Thank you for writing this, Ashleigh.
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Such beautiful children and a beautiful tribute to motherhood and a loving family.
Who lives in our house? My husband (of 37 years & a Viet Nam Navy veteran) and often our 2 grandsons (7 & 5). Sadly, our daughter-in-law left our son and the boys don’t seem to feel like they have a home. We want them to know that they have one here. They’ve spent quite a bit of time with us this summer and that makes my heart sing.
Our son was in Afghanistan in 2006.
God bless you and all military families.
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The post and all these comments bring tears to my eyes! I have been laying on my couch for the last week with severe morning sickness (it always last 6 weeks so 5 more to go). I have felt sorry for myself as I endure, how foolish I feel now! I have 4 healthy little girls and this will be our 5th child, I have never lost a child. GOd has blessed me so richly I have no reason to complain about the sickness I now am in because of the precious child growing inside of me. I do have a sister in law who is not able to conceive (but has addopted 2 sons) and another sister in law who has been trying. Thank you for those beautiful words and my heart goes out to all those who have precious babies in Heaven!
My husband Bryan and myself live in our little house with Victoria (5), Alicia (4), Moriah (3), and Cassia (1). And baby # 5 is due March 2011.
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Thank you for writing this Ashleigh. It’s my story too, and I was so blessed to have you articulate it so beautifully. <3
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