Some days the weight of being alone sits heavy, a yoke upon my shoulders.
Some days my heart cries, realizing how much life he’s missing, that Marine of mine.
Some days, my eyes cry, too.
Some days the boys wake from their naps, crying for their daddy.
Some days, their mommy is helpless to console them.
Some days, their little shouts of joy bring ache to my soul.
Some days, I wonder if absence really does make the heart fonder.
Some days, I worry that we’re all going to grow apart.
Some days my fingers entangle the roots of my hair and my teeth grit until my jaw is sore.
Some days I stomp my own feet on the tiled kitchen floor, hearing the hollow beneath me.
Some days, I feel the hollow in my heart.
Some days, my heart is steeled with guilt, because we saw him. A stolen treasure, that.
Some days, I’m angry it was just a trip.
Some days, the five months he’s been away seem to have sped away, fast as the mountain lightning.
Some days, my eyes squint, straining to see the end of the eight months ahead.
Some days, I’m proud of his service.
Some days, I want to hide it, away from critical eyes and wagging tongues.
Some days, I shake my fist that this isn’t over yet, that we’re closing in on year nine.
Some days, I wonder why we signed up for another four years, and another.
Some days, I remember all the reasons.
Some days, crayons and coloring sheets make day-brightening presents, sent across the sea.
Some days, the mail brings gifts of gold, letters written in his hand.
Some days, we see him on a computer screen.
Some days, the telephone grows warm with hour long heart talks.
Some days, we remember what a gift this is.
Some nights, our little boys fight exhaustion, calling from their room that they can’t sleep without daddy.
Some nights, I send them back to bed fifty times, exasperation on my lips.
Some nights, I curse the television and its common scenes of lovers and gentle kisses.
Some nights, I drift away into sleep, on the couch, rather than face the cold, empty bed.
Some nights, I pray for dreams in which his hand holds mine, his arm encircles my shoulders.
Sometimes, I lay, face on the carpet, begging Jesus for strength to stand.
Always, I feel His arms pulling me up.
Sometimes, I cry that I can’t do this thing alone for one more moment.
Always, He fills the empty heart and gives warmth, peace.
Sometimes, I rest.
Always, He tells me loneliness isn’t shameful.
Sometimes, I can do naught but weep.
Always, He draws me closer, collecting my tears in a bottle.
Some days, the missing is so strong I believe my body breaking in two.
Some days, I’m but a half to a whole.
This made me cry, dear girl. You are in my prayers. Love you and your sweet family…
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Beautifully written. You are in my prayers today and again I say thank you for your sacrifice.
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I think about you often, friend. It’s hard being alone. So hard.
But then again, you aren’t alone.
I pray today is a joyous day.
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Some day, when this is all over, you will look back and say I have earned a good life.
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Ashleigh,
You are of my most favorite blogs to read. (In fact, I blog-stalk you every morning!) So often your posts give words to the very conflictions my own heart faces. Can I tell you that the Lord has brought your name and your sweet boys faces to mind many nights as I sit before him? Know that you are cloaked in prayers. The Lord is faithful, he will provide…and he will reward your trust and courage. Thinking of you!
http://mrsgriffin0711.blogspot.com/
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Nine years. I don’t know how you do it. But I am thankful you do.
Wish there was something more that I could do to help on those days.
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um. wow. i’m not crying… nope. it’s just allergies. you are so amazing sis! i love you so much!
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Oh Ash… Your words are achingly beautiful. Truly poetic.
Leaves one lacking to know how to respond.
Except to say thank you to you and your Marine and your boys…and all of your family who steps up to help in John’s absence.
HUGS
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There is not one day that goes by that I don’t check for an entry. This one touched me in particular. thanks for sharing.
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Heart melting,praying dear friend.
Ginger~
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Wow. This was beautiful. Wow. I’m not sure what else to say.
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Sometimes, there just aren’t the right words, so we send prayers, hugs and keep you- each one- close in our hearts.
<3 you bunches…
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My heart stopped at “Loneliness isn’t Shameful”. Though I do not know what it is like to be lonely knowing that your heart is on the other side of the world, I do understand loneliness in another sense. Being a single mom. When those words crossed my path, my heart stopped. I can’t tell you enough how thankful I am for that. I feel like a burden has been lifted, I kid you not. I am praying for you, my dear sister in Christ. Love you. You are stronger than you know, and I truly admire you and respect you beyond measure for that.
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Beautiful words from a beautiful heart. I pray you feel the comfort of the Lord on your heart xxx
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You are effervescence on a stick. LOVE.
And you shall never grow apart…never…
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love your transparency and the beautiful cry of your heart.i don’t know the aching of a husband far away from home, but i do know what it’s like to be at home with my husband and feel the distance of a thousand miles.
today your words are encouraging me to love a little harder. reach a little further. step a little wider. truly.
so thank you…
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Ashleigh-
I couldn’t have described it better- the pride and ache of being married to a military man. When they are so far away, the missing is so bad that you really do feel like you are “breaking in two.”
Frankly, it sucks.
But remember, oh remember, Jesus- just as you are doing. He alone can carry us when we can’t walk another step.
I will keep praying for you. And keep holding on to the knowing that this will all some day be but a distant memory. Our guys will come home. Someday soon. We just have to keep on keeping on.
I live in Colorado Springs- wish I was closer. We could hang out and totally sympathize with each other on being military wives! =)
God Bless- Elyce
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I know, Ash. I know. Today is one of those days where I go…”and how do I even have the presense of mind to pray”? I am overwhelmed. Thanks for the reminder that Jesus is all we need. I know I need to go to Him…
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I don’t even have words. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeves.
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Praying…and ::hugs:: …and thanks.
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:( Hope Monday helped fill one of your long lonely days. So glad grandma’s back to entertain two little boys on occasion.
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I don’t know how anyone could read this and not cry. My heart aches for you. For John. And your separated-ness.
*hugs* and prayers
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Praying for strength for you! This was beautifully written.
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*sniff* My heart continually breaks for both of you and your sweet boys. I don’t know how you do it.
Hugs and prayers!
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I’m praying for you and your family. Thank you for your sacrifice. I watched my sister and husband go through this struggle when he was serving in the Army, but they didn’t know how to cling to the Lord the way you do. I will keep praying that God sends you His peace and comfort.
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Someday, you’ll know how much we all love you and pray for you and are creating a floor of prayer for you to walk on. Someday, we’ll grab a coffee. xo
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Seriously gorgeous writing. And I feel the need to give you all a hug and put you in my pocket. Love.
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::hug::
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Oh girl, we would carry you with our words if we could. But separation, like grief, is at its core traveled alone. Thank goodness that Jesus can walk inside you. Which is so much better than the alongside that the rest of us have to offer.
So much love
Lisa-Jo
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