I hesitate to post this.
Because it wells up from a deep part of my soul that I know will probably cause many (most?) people reading to furrow their brows in confusion.
But I post it anyway, for those of you… who know.
You who know the pain of the Formula Life, the camaraderie of it, the need to find others who understand the journey out of it. Those who know the shattering that comes when a trusted journeyer causes severe pain in the process. The jaded disillusionment. The loss of security. And the black hole that threatens to hold us in its grasp.
This is for you…
Trudging, weighed down, through deep, clinging mire.
Aching legs, sore feet.
Shoulders bent with the heavy load.
Bondage, to a lifestyle thought wanted,
Thought beautiful,
Turned ugly.
Stopped, by one without a load.
You don’t need to carry this. Drop it.
Stunned. Drop it?
Removing the rocks from the bag.
Thrilled with less weight.
Able to move again.
But still carrying the bag
which held the millstones.
It is security.
Walking, faster, toward a new way.
Learning there is truth.
And that the heavy load was not it.
Cautiously, yet happily, skipping now.
With a posse of partners,
all now finding the true truth.
Aiding each other in the beautiful freedom.
Following the One Who Is Truth.
Together. All of us.
This is a much better way.
But still carrying the bags.
Because they are security.
Then, a journeying partner, tired of all of it,
the journey
the journeyers
the load
the freedom
the Journey Leader,
He Who Is The Destination.
This partner crumbles.
In his crumbling,
he pulls, pushes and beats the rest of us to the ground.
He doesn’t choose to think of the pain he causes.
But what of the bag? What of the security?
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
It was security.
Ripped away.
It was not more than a flimsy piece of fabric, some seams, a string or two.
It provided no real security.
It simply appeared to be so.
Pain, again, now worse.
From injury instead of a heavy load.
Aching, sore, wounded.
Glancing around.
There are others, bleeding, wounded.
We crawl to each other on scraped hands and cut knees.
Holding each other, we weep.
For the pain, for the wounding partner,
For the loss of familiar,
for the loss of the bag.
We help each other to stand,
heartache mixed with anger.
How did this happen? What of the security?
We walk slowly, eyes darting,
trusting none but each other,
The Wounded Ones.
We talk about the bag, and the hurt it caused,
upon discovering it was not security.
We fight for survival.
Some make it. Some do not.
The bleeding stops, but the bruises take longer to heal.
The pain is residual.
Time passes.
We walk, watching every step, evaluating.
We see those who are whole, unbloodied, and we scowl.
They must be still carrying the bag.
They believe it is security.
They do not know how it all turns out.
We shake our heads bitterly.
The pain, a common vine, wraps around us,
our hearts,
our legs,
our feet,
our hands,
our heads,
and finally
our necks.
Suffocating us.
Another journeyer comes beside.
Scars cover the hands, the feet, the legs,
the neck.
You don’t need to struggle to breathe.
Leave the vine.
No!
Because it still hurts.
And the pain, the vine
is security.
A gentle, knowing smile,
given to the scar covered journeyer
by the One Who Understands
and Is Truth.
The pain is real
but it heals.
Leave the vine.
Some see the Journey Leader behind this smile
and untangle their limbs
from the vine
Walking Free.
Others shake their heads, vehemently, fire in their eyes.
And they stay fettered
by the vine,
by the pain,
because it is security.
This is for you who know.
i keep thinking that the One who has no sin, casts no stones. so why do i carry around a supply of them to throw at myself?
(thank you for posting this, ash. i love your heart so much.)
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I know. Thank you xx
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I stayed fettered for a very long time. I thought it was a safer place to be. I’m thankful that He has patiently waited for me to see the freedom and healing He provides.
My greatest prayer for others (and I think what is part of the reason I need to share with specific people my story) is that they will know sooner rather than later that it’s such a lighter load to let go of the vine now. Like RIGHT the heck now.
I wasted so much time. He redeems and restores in spite of. But when you finally let go of what you think is security, He is able to do in us what we couldn’t imagine.
Thank you for sharing from your heart.
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Galatians 5:1-6 from the Message (Not the King James! *GASP!* *grin*) puts it perfectly… “Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. I am emphatic about this. The moment any one of you submits to circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ’s hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligations of the slave life of the law. I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.”
I really can’t express the way I love hearing your heart, Ashleigh. You bless me very, very much.
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Thank you, my sweet girl. Thank you.
love,
mama
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Amen.
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Not confusing, my dear. :)
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Beautiful analogy/story and such truth within!
I understood it mostly…and it makes perfect sense for posting it.
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Thank you, Ashleigh. I am one who knows, and I am still somewhere in that journey, clinging to “securities” but not sure how or where to leave them. When I see those who still live by “the rules” I become disgusted by it, then judgmental, then I realize that I am back in my “rules” mindset. *sigh* And yet, for all the resentment I feel toward that life, I have not the courage or wisdom to completely turn from it. I know God is the provider of wisdom and strength, yet in the midst of this journey, I question who God is, and what my relationship is with Him. Well, I am not being any help, but know that you are not alone, and perhaps someday we will both be strong followers of God, without any burdens!
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I am kind of where Miriam is at. But what you post is true and I know the Lord is slowly healing me and replacing the tears with joy. Still waiting for the ability to trust and hope to be restored.
Carolyn
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“The bleeding stops, but the bruises take longer to heal.
The pain is residual.”
yes. to be cut by the ones we love causes the most unbearable pain too.
may you be freed from some of that residual ache today…
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Wow, Ash. Your writing here reminds me of Pilgrim’s Progress. Thank you for sharing.
I am one who knows. Because I’ve been gradually loosening my grip on the rules for years now…thanks to this man of mine, and our Lord.
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Very powerful. And very clear. Thank you.
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Oh Ash… why does your writing always hit a chord in my heart… make tears stream down my face… make me praise Him. I don’t know…
but that was exactly it. You have literally outlined my story right there… someone falls. Causes pain. and then Someone is there. to take the pain…
living by the rules is security. it seriously is… it’s a scary thing to let go and surrender. goes against every bone in our body – our bodies and hearts that like to think that we can do it on our own, we don’t need Him.
the black hole almost got me – and then my mother asked, no, told me. “Is He real – or isn’t He? Does He keep His promises or not?” And I had to answer..I had to let go – and say yes.
because He does. and even though this life will bring me pain… if that’s what it takes to praise you, JESUS BRING THE RAIN.
there is healing in the rain…even though it comes with fire.
Much, much love and prayer.
~C
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Beautiful!!!
Sometimes to lessen the pain we need to share. Share away dear friend, share away.
My favorite Bible verse in times like this:
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~ Psalms 147:3
Many blessings,
Allison
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Ashleigh, I know.
Love you muches even though we’ve never met.
You are simply beautiful.
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I am.
For you.
Your fellow traveler.
And I do.
Know.
This Isn’t.
The.End.
(Hallelujah)
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My journey, my pain, has been completely different, yet I somehow know where you are coming from. In the end, wounded is wounded, whether it was from legalism or alcoholism or something else entirely. ::hugs::
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I want to steal what sara sophia said.
Yes. What you both said.
Love you.
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It’s true…I don’t know.
Our journeys and our burdens are different, Ash, but our Jesus is the same.
::hug::
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*I know*
*I understand*
*Not confusing*
*You help me along and don’t even know it*
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Love to you even though we’ve never met.
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Oh, Ashleigh…thank you. I know.
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You are good to my heart.
Ginger~
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thank you. i have been learning that cleansing and healing comes from diving into the pain, going deep, pressing into it….to HIM. i crawl on, bloodied and wounded, to Him, alone as Jesus was in the garden.
Eph 3:18 this week: the Lord showed me that we walk up to the heighth and breadth of His love, and then we step into it through belief. but, it is in the journeying FORWARD….even when crawling….that we learn the depth of His unending, untiring, inexhaustible, healing love.
i share. i weep. my dearest friends say “you encourage me” in those times. i don’t see how, other than it is for His Glory alone.
i am another who doesn’t know you “in real life”…and yet, sharing this connection is about as real as it really gets. your heart is a treasure in Christ, dear one.
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Wow….i DO know.
incredibly beautiful piece. Thank you for writing it and thank you for sharing it.
I realized just now through reading this piece that although I have begun to take out the millstones in my bag, I am still clinging to the bag itself as security.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom.
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I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I haven’t been where you have been, but right now I find myself at the polar opposite place. We are now attending a church where people seem to be so anxious to show they are NOT religious, NOT legalistic, that they sometimes seem to forget that they are Christians and therefore supposed to be different from the world. And I’m not talking about the baggage you carried, I’m talking about (for example) leaders using profanity…something that seems pretty openly addressed in scripture. Anyway, I’m trying to figure that out, do we leave the church and start over finding a new one? Do we stay and try to do what we believe is right and let these people work it out with God themselves? I guess I was thinking about where you’ve been and where we are and thinking that both are out of balance. I don’t want to move to the side of rules, finding security in the rules – but I don’t want to be so wrapped up in grace that I forget that God HAS given us a way to live, he does have standards for us as Christians.
As always, thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. As others have said, I love you even though we haven’t met. Hugs.
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I awarded you!
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