I am fragile.
Vulnerable.
I feel strong and empowered. I can do this thing. I feel weak and inept. I can’t take another step.
I laugh till I cry with a friend, on the phone, in person. Under the laughter is an ache… it wants to find a voice, yet it wants to remain hidden.
My heart is a conundrum of opposing forces. It doesn’t know what it needs.
I’m thrilled and I’m anxious.
I’m a friend and I’m an enemy.
I’m laughter and I’m tears.
I’m supported and I’m abandoned.
I’m guilty and I’m justified.
I’m patient and I’m angry.
I’m abounding and I’m empty.
The past few weeks have been filled with struggles even beyond the one of my husband leaving to spend a year in Afghanistan. Family issues, home issues, children issues, health issues, even a legal issue. Honestly, there are times when it feels like my life has been one roller coaster dip after the other the past three years.
I’m weary.
Shortly after my husband arrived home from his last trip to the Sandy Spot, I openly told The Next Big Thing to stay away for now. I needed a break, I thought, and was eager to simply live.
Little did I know that the greatest pain of my life was brewing; a volcano about to explode, leaving burning molten lava on all who stood in it’s path.
As scandal rocked my family, my parents, I saw the charmed life I’d led crumbling around me. I was secure in my place as part of a golden family, even four years married at the time. It was a supporting pillar in my identity, my makeup. The destruction of this explosion has run deep.
But somewhere in the middle of that mess I realized something.
The rollercoaster doesn’t end.
It’s called Life, and it will continue to spiral and dip and race, whether or not I’m a willing rider.
The twists and spins and turning-upside-down’s of this ride have jostled me, but I’m not naive enough to think they are the worst thing that could happen. It wasn’t my marriage that was taken away. My husband will come home a little over a year from now. I still have my children. I still have my home. I love and am loved. I am infinitely blessed.
Perhaps the answer isn’t in trying to find a way to do a tuck and roll off the side of the roller coaster cart.
Maybe it lies in realizing this life will always be speeding along, possibly so quickly and so jarringly that I can’t see anything outside my little cart for a while.
But in embracing the jostling and the speed, realizing this is difficult, but it is ultimately temporary, I’ll find a way to rest.
Oh Lord, help…
So true – I’ve been waiting for smooth waters for a long time but they ar still storms. It brings to mind this saying (paraphrsed) – The Devil doesn’t spend time messing with people he’s already won.
Love you, Ashleigh! Stay the course.
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Praying for you!
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I can truly identify, our situations are different, but I have been a spectrum of emotions at the same time. I don’t know if that has always been the case and I am just more aware of it, or if it comes with processing things. Anyways, great post!
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Praying for you and your family as you navigate through this difficult period. God has you firmly in His hand…even at those times you can’t feel Him.
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gentle thoughts, prayer breathed heavenward, virtual hugs and hot coffee.
jAne
tickleberryfarm.blogspot.com
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You’re right, life doesn’t stop and sometimes the rollercoaster doesn’t slow down. But occasionally, we catch a pocket to breathe. I’ll pray that you find that little pocket sometime in the next two weeks. I love you, friend.
XOXO
EE
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Oh Ashleigh! I can relate to that roller coaster that never ends! I am praying for you Dear.
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Praying for you today.
Deut. 30:20 ~ “That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, and that thou mayest obey His voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto Him: for HE IS THY LIFE…”
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Your words find an echo in a little corner of my own heart. Rest, even while this life is spinning, crashing, tossing, and finding Him right there, each moment.
::hug::
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Praying for you, dear.
Life doth keep going on, despite our efforts to keep things “boring”.
I’m hoping and praying that life will calm down for you somewhat though and you’ll have some easy days again!
Love and *hugs*
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Hi Ashleigh,
I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and have done some catch-up reading on your past posts.
I have found myself crying along with your posts because (although I am not in the exact same situation as you) I find myself identifying SO entirely with so much of what you write…Especially today’s.
Thank you for writing this post today and for giving my heart a voice to the words it hasn’t been able to formulate.
Praying for you that God will continue to cover you and walk each step of your journey with you…
Love, Heidi
a dedicated new reader :-)
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Oh my goodness!! I just cried my eyes out from this…because I totally understand! Different circumstances, but family issues and such have rocked our house for the past few years and finally hit an all time high last year. I’m with you there girl! The Lord holds in His everlasting arms, even when I feel like I am walking this path alone. Be encouraged! :)
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Our lives are not all the same nor do we face the same things, but the emotional roller coaster can consume us and so easily, I know overwhelm me. But hang on and be encouraged and know that our Father is there inside that cart with you holding tightly to you as it jostles along.
*hugs*
Jaclynn
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It’s a beautiful moment when your cart slows down for a moment, almost to a stop next of another cart, you get to look a friend in the eye, before you go down again, into another loop, together.
*sill praying for you*
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Oh how I relate. Friday was the day things imploded within me, exploded outside me.
Now there is just healing.
Sigh.
I am with you, and praying for you.
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Wise words! I’ve been coming to the same conclusion this past year.
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You always give me food for thought!
Praying, dear friend praying!
Ginger~
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Yep, you’re right. Life is crazy sometimes… God’s never promised that life would be easy, we’ll be free from hard times or that we’ll on get what we can handle. Just look at Job. But He has promised that He’ll never leave us or forsake us…
praying for you today. May it be a day of rest and peace, even in the midst of the storms.
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Ah, the roller coaster ride… I know that ride well. It’s the place where life just doesn’t make sense. It’s where you wonder what God could possibly be up to. You feel jerked back and forth… and life just seems to continue on. You feel the weariness, yet you can’t change what’s going on around you. It’s the moments that Matthew 11:29 talk about.. “all who are weary and heavy laden, come to me and I will give you rest”…. (my paraphrase)..
What I’ve learned on this roller coaster ride I’ve been on is this.
I cannot trust in what I see God doing or not doing. I can only trust in who He is. He’s unpredictable in what He does, but consistent in who He is. Another thing I have learned is that joy is not being okay with what’s going on around me. It’s finding Jesus in the midst of what’s going on around me…. to be enough!
I’ve prayed for you today….
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I can completely relate. While I probably haven’t had so many huge things rock my life as you have and I didn’t marry a Marine- I DID marry a missionary, and that has been one long adventure! That shows no signs of normalizing! And we do get weary, for sure. But you’re right, just tuck in and enjoy the ride.
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*praying* *praying*
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I am new to your site and appreciate your candor as you seek God through (and in spite of) your pain. I am also enduring the aftermath of adultery; the pain is unbearable at times. Yet, God meets us and ministers with such tender and specific love. We are not alone in this.
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You’re right, Ashleigh. Life is crazy. I don’t think we get much true rest this side of heaven. But we can know peace and joy and wisdom in the midst of the roller coaster. Turns out, that kind of blessing is more secure than the illusion of control anyway.
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I’ve never liked roller coasters. Nope! Oh I went on them with my kids and first husband and each time swore I’d not do it again. It took me a loooong time to understand that my life is one huge roller coaster ride, so why pay someone for anotehr one?! Now, I just smile and say,”No thanks.” because I know I’m already on one. And on some parts of the ride, I just hold on to Jesus and say “I can do all things through Christ Jesus who stengthens me.”
Your openness is such a blessing. Thank you.
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SO good…what a full course meal you have here in this post…
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Hi again Ashleigh, any time you need a sholder to cry on, I will be there. Do you ever visit LALA, http://redaisy.blogspot.com/
She is my grandaughter and her husband is in Iraq, she has a strong support group, maybe it could help you.
The Old Sarge is there for you.
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