Putting oneself “out there” is never easy.
I paused before hitting the publish button on that “Questioning” post a few months ago. It was raw. Real. And I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be that honest.
But, as always, you all surprised me. I wasn’t able to reply to each individual comment or email, but a belated thank you for enabling me to be honest and for showing your love and support.
This past summer set me on a journey to find answers. To ask questions that might lead to answers. And to somehow convince myself that it was okay to do so.
Our pastor once said a faith that has never been tested can’t be a very strong faith. It needs to be tried and true.
At one point in my not-so-long life, I believed I had most of the answers. After all, anything I didn’t know (being I was young), I could surely find in a book or a seminar or an article providing the answer… as long as the person writing or speaking was someone on “the list” of approved theologians.
The problem was, the list changed. And then changed again. And yet, again.
I wrote in my journal, at age 17, that it seemed the more people I heard trying to explain some “truth” about God, the less and less I knew or understood. Was it, I wondered, just me? Was I not smart enough to grasp what they were saying? How could I be so confused? It had to be me. Everyone else seemed to “get” it.
Since I couldn’t fully understand the deep issues, I figured I’d just continue to focus on the rest of them. The ones I could understand. I learned how to recite great speeches on issues of dress, music, church programs or the lack of them, family planning, relationships, and even food choices and haircuts.
I had a clear-cut written and unwritten code of conduct, compiled by a variety of influences who may or may not have known what they were doing to a passionate and zealous young girl, eager to please.
Now, in light of God’s greatest commandments–to love Him wholeheartedly and to love the ones He loves–and this “back to the very, very, very basics” journey on which He’s taking me, the issues I focused on during my formative years seem trivial. Distracting.
I no longer carry a mental checklist of all the things I must do to look like a Christian. My desire is to live like a Christian. But without that list, I’m not always sure how it’s done.
And yet, as I said when I admitted my questioning state of mind,
“. . . life must be lived. But how? What is truth anymore?”
I know God has given me two great commandments and He requires that I obey. He desires an intimate relationship with me and He promises to guide me with His eye–a promise with implications of me gazing intently at Him, a God of strength and beauty.
I do know that much.
I used to think Christian living meant checking boxes on my list, always wondering if I was holy enough, pleasing enough to God. Pleasing enough to the people I put in place of God. I thought it meant striving.
I used to think I knew the answers.
Now I know I don’t have any.
And maybe that’s the best conclusion I could have come to.
Now you are in the most perfect of places for God to work in and through you…
Awesome!!!
Sometimes it is easier to have a checklist and others to compare ourselves with, but that is just not how God works. He looks at our hearts.
Becky K.
[Reply]
I completely get this. It’s part of my struggle with the “Church”, too, in that from childrens church on up we’ve been taught that Christianity is all about striving. Our parents were taught the same. To be like Christ, we must first have faith in what He did for us on the Cross. It’s elementary, it’s simple, and it’s something we have to learn all over again. Getting back to the basics, indeed. :) Thanks for always being real, girl.
[Reply]
Love this.
It is hard and confusing and not easily “gotten” – but you are, again, real and out there and loving God.
I often struggle with the list – and then I remind myself to love the Lord my God, and to love my neighbor. The very best I can. There are lots of details – but those are the bones, the structure, the permanent fixtures.
Keep on, girlie. You got a lot more strength and wisdom than you know.
[Reply]
Our Shepherd leads us gently one step at a time. As long as you seek Him His way, His time, His glory, first and best, as I know you do, all the other things will fall into place, or fall away, just as He meant them to do and be.
I love you and I love the way God is working in your heart. *hug*
[Reply]
Good post, Ashleigh!! Although I do believe that when we strive to LIVE right, we will dress right, talk right, etc, I think too many of us focus on the “check list” and instead of working out our own salvation in fear and trembling as Paul said in Philippians 2:12, we tend to work on everyone else’s check list and work out their salvations. You’ve heard it said that God only looks at the heart. Which brings us back to square one. When our heart is fixed on Him, when we are gazing at Him, as you mentioned, we ARE striving. Striving, in my opinion, is not necessarily our “works” but our desire to become closer to Him. And when we become closer to Him…to sit at His feet as Mary did when Martha was cumbered about, we will find the better part and grow from it.
~Kristi
[Reply]
Oh, your words ring familiar. Especially this: “I had a clear-cut written and unwritten code of conduct, compiled by a variety of influences who may or may not have known what they were doing to a passionate and zealous young girl, eager to please.”
One thing I know after a lifetime of striving ~ the true God bids “Come rest”. (Matthew 11)
Coming back to the basics is essential. Shaking off the externals, becoming refined as silver is refined.
Welcome back to The Door.
http://quiveringdaughters.blogspot.com/2010/01/love-song-v-light-dawns-in-darkness.html
[Reply]
:)if you only knew how many times I’ve had to conclude that very thing concerning answers when I *think* I have a clue…I most definitely DON’T ((hug))All I know is the answer to the “reason of the hope” that is within’ me…and that’s about it ((hugs and love))
[Reply]
I always appreciate your honesty and insight. As I get older, I too, learn more and more how much I don’t know – and how much I just need to let it go and practice faith. I want you to know that I have prayed for you and your mama whenever the Lord brings you to my mind.
[Reply]
I think so many of us know exactly what you mean. The best discovery I ever made in my spiritual journey was when my eyes were opened to the concept of the “fruit of the Spirit” is the FRUIT of ABIDING in the Spirit. I always focused so hard on the fruit and how it was shaping up in my life that I missed the fact that it’s fruit- a harvest that results from planting myself in and focusing on God.
You bless me with your attitude and words… may God bless and keep YOU.
[Reply]
I was/still sometimes do get into that “legalistic” rut, and at age 23, realized–truly realized, the startling truth: God loves me! It’s not the head love I had known so long, but a love that compels and draws me. A love that makes life worth living for! And to think that we “conservative” Christians so often shy away from experiencing Christ’s love because we think that God’s love is the focus of the liberal church… something we must somehow avoid if we don’t want to become “out of balance” like they are. It took all these years to realize the blessed TRUTH of the song we sing as children: Jesus loves me, this I know! God’s love is so freeing to one bound up in lists and rules… good things in their proper place, but God’s love makes them sheer pleaure to perform, and not a dutiful chore.
[Reply]
It’s true. So true…I think of that often and to this day I worry “What will they think?” And I should only worry what God thinks. It’s so hard though not to think what are people thinking what are people saying.
As always you give me food for thought! And I just love that about your blog!
Ginger~
[Reply]
I hear where you are coming from and I want to share with you some teachings that have given me freedom in many areas of my relationship with Christ. basically they have freed me from all of the “religion” that I had been taught all of my life.
Check out http://www.awmi.net and click on Audio Teachings on the left. Once on the next screen click on any of the audio teachings listed on the left. They are free downloads which I downloaded to my computer and then eventually onto my Ipod! I have listened to these truths over and over again and I still continue to find that these biblical truths bring clarity and freedom in my relationship with my Lord.
[Reply]
I too started with a checklist. Somewhere along the line, I learned that being a Child of God means much more than that. If you look at the list Paul composed of a mature christian, almost all of them start with Self Control. The key to the rest of the character qualities generally composing such lists. These days I find my self striving to master these qualities rather than doing, or wearing certain things.
Great post! As always very thought provoking.
[Reply]