Help.
Ahem. Let me re-phrase this.
HELP.
You know that toddler bed thing? Weeeeell, it’s not going so well.
I know I said that these things are just par for the course and don’t faze me. I know.
BUT.
The fact of the matter is this–for the past two weeks, after the initial novelty wore off, we’ve had nothing but a BATTLE on our hands when it comes to getting that toddler to sleep in his bed. Okay, well, I have had nothing but a battle on my hands for the past two weeks, being that, you know, I’m the only parent around these days.
At nap times, The Battle has been lasting, on average, three hours. Sometimes The Battle lasts longer than three hours. That is three hours or more, peeps. Whew.
At first it wasn’t affecting bed time. He’d go to bed and stay in bed. But the past few nights, the sight of a little towhead peeking around the staircase has become the norm. And as I’m typing this, it’s after 10pm and he is STILL awake. This is the kid who used to go to bed around 7:30 and conk out.
I’m at a complete and utter loss. I’ve done everything I know to do, everything my favorite parenting books suggest, and believe you me–I’ve prayed more over this ordeal than any one parenting issue thus far.
(Parents of teens: I know what you’re thinking. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. little mama!” I know. But this is a BIG DEAL at this point, remember??)
I am absolutely, 100% exhausted. Wiped out. The emotional battle of all this is just a way much for my fragile nerves. (Okay, slight drama there. But it IS driving me Up. A. Wall.) Before I had a two year old, I vowed I’d never deal with this. Why? I dunno. I was going to be a perfect parent, of course. I’d never have a two year old with sleep issues. I just wouldn’t.
Ha.
So since I know most of you have been through this stage before, I’m soliciting some help. What did/do you do with a toddler who won’t stay in bed and doesn’t seem even remotely influenced by any form of discipline.
And if you don’t have a toddler tip, I want your best toddler story. Or something you vow you’ll never allow as a parent. Just so we can toss it back atcha when it happens to you later on.
So anyway. In a word,
HELP.
*Shudder*
This was the time I hated the most. When Kati went to a toddler bed, Jonathan was a baby in need of FT nursing- so I was ex-hau-sted.
Honesly, I had to resort to just putting her back, again and again and again and again and .. well, you get the picture. It wore me out, but finally took.
After about a month.
I guess I’m say persistence and consistency won out. Slowly.
I’m praying for ya, kiddo. And i promise- it will work at some point.
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Frankly, I don't remember too many up-at-night-toddler days…My kids are now 7,9, & 11…But from the haziness I think I went along with how the supernannies on TV did it: I didn't give much love – very firm and short.
Probably not much help, am I? Sorry!!
Kelley from Guam
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Hey dear, I found your site from your cousin Ana’s. I am so sorry to hear about the toddler bed problems, but you are SO not alone on this. I think you are doing everything right so I wanted to encourage you. One thing that might help and maybe you are doing this, is make the bed feel like a crib. Sometimes kids don’t like the extra bedding of the comforter/sheets etc if they are used to just the fitted sheet. I have seen this help. Otherwise, I am sure you are doing everything any book would say to do and the reality is it will take time, but his little body will give in when it is too tired and he will sleep at some point. Also, you can ignore the suggestion if you want. Yes, I am NOT a mommy, but have been a nanny for over 5 years so I have seen most things!
Thank you for your beautiful entries. It has been very encouraging to read them. I can see that you are blessing and ministering to so many women!
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I just found your blog and enjoy re-living the “young momma” life. I feel like I was just there yesterday. In reality I have five kids and the oldest is 13 with the youngest is 2. When I moved each child out of their baby bed into a “big” bed their sleep patterns changed. This is why my two year old is still in the crib and will stay in the crib till she learns to climb out. I love my sleep. Each child was different. My second (10 yrs) was/is the worst at getting out of his bed after kisses. He STILL gets out of his bed. He is the child that just doesn’t require a lot of sleep. The only advice I have is to stay consistent with the time you go to bed and wake up. No late naps! In a few weeks time, hopefully, your child will start his new sleep pattern and it will be consistent.
I put a digital clock in their room and taught them to look at the first number. It was a game. They had to see if they could stay in the bed while the first number was an 8. Watching the clock made them sleepy and still….usually they would fall asleep.
Mommies to toddlers are a special group of people. The Lord used (and still uses) that time in my life to really depend on Him. It can be exhausting but He has equipped both of us to get through this.
I say this a lot, “This too shall pass.” It won’t be long and they will be teenagers. I promise. It goes fast.
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We had the same problem with Mr T when he was that little. I would start out sitting on his bed,rubbing his back, the next week… I sat on the floor rubbing his back, the next week I sat by the door and calmly told him that I was there and he was fine. I eventually moved outside the door. For nights I would sit in a chair by his door incase he came out. He will soon get the hang of it.
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You said, “Parents of teens: I know what you’re thinking. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. little mama!” I know. But this is a BIG DEAL at this point, remember??”
I am definitely NOT saying that. The young years are physically exhausting for sure, and mentally too because those little people simply can’t be reasoned with!
I could give you the hard truth about what you must do, my opinion about such and such, blah blah blah…but the bottom line is that the Lord knows and He wants you to know that you can do all things through HIM who strengthens you.
But while you figure it out, don’t hesitate to be pragmatic and look for relief from friends or your mom. (You are sooooo blessed that way.)
Hang in there. It won’t always be like this, I promise.
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Well, you don’t know me from Adam, but I am a friend of Mel’s. I just so happened to be ‘browsing’ today and this is the first time I’ve been to your page. This is just ‘advice’, but I’ll tell you my thoughts. As a Mama of 5, I’ve experienced this same battle – 5 times! And in a word, you need to WIN. Whatever you do, you need to be CONSISTANT and let him know who’s ‘boss’, or this will not only keep happening, but will overflow into other aspects of obedience. Not sure how you feel about ‘spankings’, but I will say that one doesn’t have to ‘tan the kid’s hide’ to get through, especially at this age. When my oldest did the same thing your son is doing, I literally camped outside her door with a willow switch in my hand. The moment she toddled out, she got a switch to the bare leg (stings without really hurting, while a smack on the diaper does nothing)and a swift return to bed with the firm admonition, ‘you will stay in bed’. All of this without sounds of exasperation from me…I wanted to give the impression of remaining CALM, even if I really wasn’t! I wanted her to know I was in control (even though I wanted to give her Nyquil and be done with it!) This was a pain in MY rear as well, and more than once I wanted to scream and give up! But once she figured out that she was not going to get a ‘rise’ out of me, and that I was not going to cave and she WAS going to get a switching each time she disobeyed, I WON! That doesn’t mean there wasn’t ever any setbacks, but then again, life is full of those! Hope this helps..it sounds like you’re a good mama..and thank your man for his service to our country!
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Ashleigh -
Just started reading your blog in the past week or two, but we have quite a few mutual friends, I think.
My niece (3 in Oct.) is doing the same thing, except she adds the “I will die a painful, horrible death if you leave me here” tears into the mix. Part of the problem is that she seems to be a little afraid of the dark – we keep a closet light and a hall light on and that helps a little. The only thing that has really worked with her (for me) is sitting there in the room until she goes to sleep. It’s usually fairly quickly (especially if she’s gotten into a nape and bedtime schedule/routine), but is still something of a pain. I’ve had some success telling her I’ll come back to check on her and doing that once every 2-5 minutes.
Anyway, since I know so much about raising children *rolls eyes,* but I have had a little experience helping to deal with this!
For your amusement, I plan to NEVER allow my children to watch as much TV as I see a lot of other kids watching. Feel free to cast that one back up to me. ;-) Hope you get this taken care of SOON!
- Kelly
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Hi! I’m a lurker. :)
I haven’t dealt with this specific battle too much, but I have had plenty of my own. Here are a few things we have tried:
- Tell him that if he does not stay in his bed then he will lose something precious to him. In our case, our son sleeps with (and carries around) two receiving blankets and a stuffed dog. We would take one away each time he did not do whatever he was supposed to do.
- Make a calendar-type chart. Tell him that he can pick out a sticker to put on the day if he stays in his bed the whole nap time.
- Give him a clock and a time that he can get up. He may not get his nap in, but he may learn to stay in the bed. I know that he may not be telling time yet, but my son caught on to time pretty quick. Also, he may just stay there watching for the time long enough to fall asleep.
- Give him something quiet to do in his bed – like reading books. Let him choose when to go to sleep but tell him he has to stay in the bed.
- Make a list of consequences. Our list has ten – each progressing in severity. The tenth is one that he absolutely does not ever want to get to – throw away his favorite video. You would have to find something that works for your son. The first day, we got to number 7 or 8. Now, we rarely get past number 1.
The number one tip I would give (and you may already do this) is to stick to a rule once you make it. Don’t give ANY chances. Be consistent. Give the consequence or the reward EVERY time.
As a side note, SuperNanny would say to just take him back to bed every time without talking to him. I’ve never tried it, but (at least with editing) it seems to work on the show.
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We’ve moved Sydney to a toddler bed this past weekend. I vowed it was not going to be a battle. :) At all. Because it’s one that, according to all my mom friends, you can’t win. lol Since you can’t make a toddler sleep no matter what you do ;)
So we childproofed her room and then we close the door after us. She can’t open the door, but if she could, we’d put up a gate. We then tuck her in with a sippy, say ‘night night!’ and leave.
She does get up and play, but because she can’t escape, she eventually gets tired and then goes to sleep. Last night she did fall asleep on the floor and woke up crying but I was in there instantly and moved her to her bed and she fell right asleep again.
So…I don’t know. Could you just childproof, explain to him that after bedtime he can’t leave the room, put up a baby gate and then just let him decide when he’s actually going to fall asleep?
Anyway, I’m obviously not an expert on this AT ALL, but I figured I’d throw out there what worked for us **hugs**
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Wish I had some advice, but I do not. However, you confirm what I’d already determined in my mind. We’re going to have to get a second crib for our little one to come or keep him in the cradle for a long, long time. Our daughter will be 19 mo. when our son is born and I don’t think she’s ready for a toddler bed. I think she needs to be confined for a while longer. I wonder how long our little guy will be able to stay in his cradle?!
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Oh, poor Ashleigh. I’m sorry I can’t help with this one. Honestly, all three of my children loved their beds and bedtime. I would just encourage you to stay consistent in your discipline. I did have a friend of mine who would put her toddler to bed and sit in a chair next to the bed to reprimand him when he tried to get up. She would slowly move her chair back until she was finally out the door. By that time, her toddler was asleep…for the night! Maybe you could try something like that and see what happens. Wish I could be more help.
~Kristi
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No good advice for you not being a mom myself, but know I am sympathizing and praying… Sounds tiring and trying.
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Well.. I’ll tell you what we tried. We had this brilliant idea, brilliant I tell ya… that we would let her fall asleep in her baby bed and then move her over to the big girl bed after she had fallen asleep. It worked out fine til she woke up in the middle of the night SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER because she was freaked out at being in a different bed. It might work for you… but that incident still sends shivers up our spines… and makes us LAUGH OUT LOUD. now.
I agree with the firmness and taking them back over and over and not getting exasperated etc. If you let them run things at bedtime, it carries over into other areas and that extends to when they get older. For some reason, our girl would fall asleep if she started crying…. so if night time discipline can change his moood somewhat, you might get some good results there. I like the idea of the childproof room. We did that one too and found some success with it. If they can’t sneak around the corners at you, it takes all the fun out of it at some point.
BTW… I admire you for doing the job you do.. taking care of your kids and your household on your own. Hats off to you, girl!
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I remember those days, too. One thing that worked for us is we would put them to bed and then I would sit outside in the hallway for a few minutes reading, journaling, etc. If he got up I would put him back to bed and go back to the hall. It took about 30-45 minutes by sitting in the hall. If I wasn’t in the hall then he would get up over and over and it became a battle. After a couple of weeks he would go to sleep right away and then eventually, no more sitting in the hall way. I hope this helps. And, stay consistent. Don’t give up. I know how you are feeling. It’s quite frustrating.
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You need this:http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp/0743201639/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216319647&sr=8-1. And you need it now. It discusses this in detail. It has almost eliminated my problems.
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Hmm….we moved our oldest to a bed at 19 mos. because #2 was on the way. Tried the “just take her back to bed approach”, but after doing that 30-40 times a night for a week, I was too tired (and pregnant) to face it – I ended up laying down with her an awful lot. I realize now that it’s very possible she was not verbal enough to understand what was going on (most 2-year-olds would not have this problem). Looking back, I think the keys were giving up on the nap – which was just a battleground anyway – and developing an amazingly long bedtime routine (as suggested by Elizabeth Pantley in her book, the name escapes me at the moment). The routine basically started with bathtime and included something like half an hour of reading,then singing after lights out. The singing part had been in place since she was born, so that was just a continuation. Yes, it was a pain, but it got us through it – and eventually she just grew out of that stage. On the bright side – it’s been much, much easier with my younger daughter, possibly because they share a bed, possibly because she just falls asleep more easily. As a mom who has had days that I knew I was too tired to safely drive to the doctor, bedtime is no dream now (dd’s are almost 5 and 3), but it is far, FAR easier than it used to be.
Tonia
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I am a new reader, not sure how I ended up here, actually. You know, followed one too many links:) Anyway, I have been through this twice now. I agree, it sounds like you’re doing the right things, it may just take time to convince your little one that you’re serious. I don’t know if you wrote about why you moved him to a bed, if he was climbing out of the crib, ect. but maybe you could tell him if he doesn’t stay in his bed, he will have to go back to sleeping in the crib. My sister bought a tent (from Babies r us) that attaches to a crib to keep kids from climbing out. Sorry I don’t have more advice. I know how hard it is to be tired of trying to figure out solutions to these kind of things:)
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I don’t have any advice, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you and praying for you, Ashleigh! *Hug!*
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I just started reading your blog. I am a fellow Marine wife and mother of 3 young boys. With my oldest (now 5) we had this problem. what finally worked for us (after many friends told us to do this). I childproofed his room and put one of those door knob covers on his side of the door. That way he could not come out once we put him in bed. He did try to come out for a few days. Once he figured out he was not getting out he just played and then went to sleep. We did not have problems after that. He does sleep with the door closed now and doesn’t try to come out. At first I thought “locking” him in his room was just horrible, but it really is not much different than a crib! Good luck.
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I love your new look. As for the bed thing…no advice…it was a harried transition for us. My worst toddler story…hmmm…so many from which to choose…probably the time my daughter threw a massive fit in the library parking lot and managed to escape my arms and then roll around the parking lot while I was trying to guard her body and pick her up. So not fun!
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Hey Ashleigh! My first thought was consistency. I heard that A.LOT. when searching for answers with my two. We always thought we were consistent and tried every thing. AHHH…that was the problem! we tried everything. If it didn’t work the first couple nights we tried something different. So after a minimal amount of time the game would change. I didn’t read all the comments so I may be repeating; a gate at the door may be a good idea. He may not stay in the bed but he can’t roam the house.
Good luck girl. I’m sure you are doing a terrific job, just keep at it.
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I wish I had some tips, but Karah would go to bed on her own if she was tired. And when Vincent was that age, I was single and on night classes so I was rarely the one to put him to bed. But I will give you a toddler story.
In 2002 I was out on a field op. I got a phone call from the Mr. saying that Karah (almost 3) had gotten scissors and got to Vincent’s (not quite 1) hair. Turns out Karah is persistent. The next day, she climbed in the bathroom and got the Nair, then climbed into Vincent’s crib and proceeded to cover his head with it. I guess she just really wanted him to be bald at the time! Thankfully none got in his eyes, and she was caught in time so he didn’t go bald although he still did have a chunk of hair missing because of the scissors.
Never underestimate the power of a determined young child!
Hope it made you smile!
~Rebekah
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I’ve never really had a problem getting my kids to stay in bed at that age. (Of course I still have one more.)
I have more of a problem now with my 4 1/2 year old! He is in and out of bed 4 or 5 times a night – I need a drink, I need to go potty, I need a light on, the fan is making too much noise, etc etc. We just continually tell him to get back into bed and if he gets up again than he’ll lose something the next day (pool time, tv time, etc)
I think you should also consider using a baby gate. (Which I think someone else suggested as well.) That way it’s not as harsh as closing and locking the door but it will still keep him in there.
And be consistent. Don’t give up and let him win because you’re exhausted. Or he’ll wear you out every night til you’re exhausted just so he can win!
Good luck and hope you find a solution soon.
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Ash! *hugs* I've been there, and I'm probably a bad mom, because my response was giving up completely! I just wasn't equipped to deal with it with everything we've gone through with Austin. He's been so difficult and has almost put me over the edge so many times, that I couldn't handle dealing with the T-Bed sleep issues at this time. But I wanted to just pass on something one of the pediatricians told me at work. She said that most (yes, most) children aren't mentally mature enough to effectively transition to a toddler bed until age 3. She said they understand it better and stay in bed better. I know our kids are so smart and I think they're plenty "mentally mature!", but I'm just repeating her words. She also said why fix something that isn't broken, if your toddler sleeps great in a crib, that sleep is so valuable and if it doesn't work, to let him continue the crib- *as long as he isn't climbing out*. I know, we have a set of unique circumstances with two babies so close in age. That crib has someone elses name on it right now! But her words helped me justify my abandoned effort. We ended up just putting Austin in a pack & play because I didn't want to own 2 cribs. But I might get one… I've been on the verge! After the toddler bed nightmares, I got to the point where I said "I would pay $200 in a heartbeat to get some resemblence of sleep back in our household!" (translation: the cost of buying another crib is very worth it!) My sister told me to close the door in Jakes room during toddler-bed-transition. I tried it once for about a SECOND and it broke my heart when he went to the door and cried, and he was so shaken by it (literally shaking!), that it killed me! I felt so mean, even though it was just a split second! But if you try it and it works, let me know. I've heard a babygate at his door is good. Also my good friend has a noise maker (plays ocean music, birds chirping, etc) with a timer. She tells her daughter that as long as the 'music' is on, she needs to stay in bed, even if she is awake. It works for them (umm, major props to that little obedient angel and her momma!). If she wakes up early she plays with her stuffed animals until 0700 when music shuts off, then she goes and wakes up her parents. AMAZING!!! I might try this in the future. Keep me posted on your progress & anything that works! (Because I'll be trying again at some point!) Hang in there!!!
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Love your blog – just started reading it after the Rocks in My Dryer post on Blogher. I too am a Mom blogging during deployment.
You are one brave woman going to the toddler bed without your husband home to help.
My soon to be 4 year old is still in his crib. I’m terrified to try the toddler bed by myself. Fear of no sleep for 12 months keeps him in the crib. He is also a special needs kid and his balance is very poor. My biggest fear is that he will leave his room and fall down the steps or try to leave the house.
Good luck with the toddler bed – I hope it gets better and I’ll be checking back so I can learn from your experience.
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Hi … I have been a lurker for about two months now and this post got me to come out of hiding.
We fight this battle often with our children, but mostly when I am not consistent. We have tried the following things successfully and when we are consistent, it works like a charm (most of the time). :D
- We tell our daughter before closing the door after kisses that if we have to come in, she is going to lose her piggy (lovey). She has three, so she gets a few chances each night. I’ve only had to take away the last piggy one time. It was heartbreaking … but apparently profound, as well.
- We have an alarm clock in my daughter’s room that goes off at 7:00. She and her brother can get up after 7:00 a.m. Otherwise, they must stay in their room and do a quiet activity (play with animals or read books).
- Each of my kids has a basket beside their bed so that they have something to choose to do while remaining in their bed. We have some stuffed animals, board books, and my daughter has a cd player with headphones along with a couple of cds (almost 4). As long as they stay in their beds and I don’t have to return to their room after kisses, they get to keep the basket. If not, they lose it for the night and next day.
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wOw!
My children are almost 23, almost 20 (next month) and 9.
I, like you thought that the going from crib to bed issue, was NOT going to be an issue. I mean, we are the parent, right?? Unfortunately, my first two children didn’t have this issue. Needless to say, I prided myself in being the parent I needed to be and was liberal on the advice.
Then I had Samuel.
Who is my humbling experience, or at least showed me that it was grace not great parenting that was at work in my life.
I agree with some of the people here that said, just toddler proof the room. Then realize thats about all you can do. I can’t stress enough, that you do want to “win” this battle, or you will spend all hours of the night dealing with your child, instead of having alone time with your husband. I was tired of dealing with Samuel at 11:30 pm, and then I got consistent and got to work. It was hard, but worth it in the end.
Having gone through different ages of parenting, all I can say is, ITS ALL HARD!! Just different. Don;t let anyone tell you this is the easy part. Its just a different kind of hard.
Oh but aren’t they worth every minute?? :)
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Hey,Ash,I know you have a lot of comments but my mom says it is better if you make the wrong thing EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and the right thing EASY it works out.She says hurrah for the willow switch idea!
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I have no grand words of wisdom, for I am sure someone much wiser than I can help. I myself am going through toddler bed issues as well. So I wrote in to say, I feel your pain, I wish you the best and I am praying for you.
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I read several of these but not all, so if this is a repeat dear sisterinlaw, well you know. With Charity she started climbing out of the crib really early, so we switched her to a toddler. Fortunately, at that house she couldn’t open the door (it stuck and you had to push it). Many nights she cried at the door until she fell asleep(especially when company came). As soon as she fell asleep we would carefully open the door, pick her up, and put her back in bed.
Stacie was much more difficult. She could open the door, so we put her back in bed many many many … times. Occasionally she still gets up in the middle of the night to come see us.
Patienc my dear. I feel for you. The suggestion of putting one of those safety door handles or a safety gate might do the trick. Have fun.
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OK – you may not want to hear this but when my daughter was doing this it was because of the nap. Once we gave up the day time nap she went to bed at 7 or 7:30 and sleeps until or so!! We still have a time of day when we just relax but no nap.
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I just noticed on your twitter that you were rear-ended – hope you and your little ones are doing okay.
Sending love and prayers,
Carrie
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Hi there… my husband was a career naval officer, so I know what you are talking about here, trying to get through this stage alone! My kids are grown now, but I thought I would tell you what worked for me.
My older 2 learned quickly. I used to put them to bed, have a story and cuddles and then I would say goodnight quietly (all quiet, no rambunctious fun at bedtime!) and leave the room. If they came out, I would say ONLY – back to bed now, and put them back. Then next time, no eye contact, just put them back in bed. Repeat. Maybe for 40 times for one night. But the second would be less etc etc. The key is no talking after the first time, and no eye contact. No loss of temper or muttering either!
However, then came No3. A different kettle of fish altogether. In the end, I put a toddler gate on the door and after story time, I would leave, he would play on his floor with his toys and eventually fall asleep on the floor. I would pick him up and pop him into bed for the night and he was fine.
I know how hard it is when you are dropping with exhaustion. But this time will indeed pass! Good luck!
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I’m not a mom yet, so I’ll give you my “I will never.”
I will never allow my children to have the run of the entire sanctuary for entire church services like the parents and grandparents of a certain six year old do.
I sure hope I can keep that one.
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Hey Ash…I know you know this-every child is different. In all honesty, he may just need to settle himself down before sleeping…the pressure to go to bed *right then* may be just the thing keeping him awake. It may take a couple of weeks, but the baby gate thing is what I would agree with as well. I latch Ayden’s door shut and at this point he *rarely* gets up-by rare, I mean he does have some *clingy* nights every other week or so. But fairly consistantly, he just goes right to sleep when we put him down for both nap and bedtime. At the first,(like after 3 or 4 weeks of crying mommy and Ayden at naptime…hours and hours of battle) I knew he was just not going to be able to relax enough to go *right* to sleep in bed. So, I decided to attempt to take *some* of the pressure off by just making him stay in his room. For about 2 weeks? He would cry at the door, then play til he fell asleep on the floor. Then he would just play for about 20 min and fall asleep on the floor. Now, he is our BEST bed time child…he doesn’t mind *most* of the time, being put in his bed after his story and prayer and water…he goes right to sleep. For him, it was the whole pressure thing:) Now, Brianna,..she STILL has issues and she was one I was VERY consistant with and “forced” her to lay in her bed, which she obediently did, but had trouble going to sleep because of all the stress surrounding the whole situation…it works with some…I wish I had done things differently with her. Anjolie, consistency with *forcing* the bed worked as it did with Lily-it was an obedience thing for them. I live, I learn-there’s no ONE way to do bed time for ALL children-they are unique. There will be plenty of battles..I don’t think bedtime is one that fits into a cookie cutter without causing longlasting issues (on both sides). Not everyone will agree with this, that’s understandable. You are doing a GREAT job girl. Love you!!
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our toodler beds are made of synthetic material fabric that is very smooth to touch :
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